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Bryan has answered seven pressing questions (seven, because he refused to answer any more or less because of his ocd). Enjoy.
1. Do you find Nestle Crunch bars slightly more satisfying than love? Be honest.
When I was young, I did find Nestle Crunch bars more satisfying than love. But, truth be told, love to me then was make believing my high school girlfriend at the time (we’ll call her Melody Eclair) was actually a sophomore named Bo while a certain third wheel rocked herself crazily in the corner of my black Chevy S-10. Now, when pressed, I’d have to say the only thing I find more satisfying than love is a good creme brulee, so long as the layer on top gives you that little crunch.
2. What does it mean if a guy has medium-sized feet and squinty eyes? Don’t lie.
It means orgasm is probably out of the question for all involved.
3. I haven’t gotten a text in hours. Why is this happening to me?
Because you say things like, “I thought you’d never wanted to hear from me again,” “cooooooookies,” and “my dog peed on me.”
4. When are you going to provide me with a homecooked meal again?
You’ve requested Hamburger Helper of the Cheeseburger Macaroni variety. While technically this meal is beneath my level of skill, I will make this for you next Tuesday, with brownies for dessert.
5. Who would win in a break-neck, all-goes fight between bindo and Val?
I’m going with Val. I have a feeling she knows how to throw elbows. Bindo would get distracted by something depressing and write a wonderful poem about it, though.
6. Who let the dogs out? And what the hell was up with all the coconut in the Bahamas?
You let the dogs out, just the same way that you lost your room key and foolishly thought that, because we spent thousands of dollars to go on a trip together, I wanted to spend time with you. As far as the coconuts go, I didn’t see them. I was more impressed with all the men in speedos, which I don’t think you noticed because you hadn’t hit puberty yet.
7. Don’t you secretly wish you had a Blackberry Curve instead of dinky iPhone?
Never. All your readers who have iPhones should download the free App “words with friends” and challenge me, PoeticGrin, to a battle.
To: My Dearest
From: Medicated Lady
There is compelling evidence that you do not feel you have made an error in judgment concerning me. This is disappointing as I had not terminated you; I had only put you on probation. I fully expected for you to come through a reassessment with no problems. However, it has come to my attention that you are refusing to return to your senses. Weeks gone by and now it seems you’ve redirected adoration toward another.
All possible scenarios have dwindled to a singular ray pointed at the Exit sign. It appears the fire alarm has been going off for some time now, everyone has left the building except me. It is strictly against company policy to leave me behind.
Since your resignation, I have considered your tenure with me. I contemplated what might be said if you were to realize your mistake.
- How dare you come back around after saying you were not ready for a relationship?
- How could you tell me you didn’t want to have sex with me anymore because you wanted to look around? How could you not see I was a good thing, right in front of you? There was nothing to look around for.
- I hate you.
- I love you.
- Let’s take things slow.
- Let’s fuck.
It is as this point that I have to express my disappointment with your finagling with wig shopkeepers. I would be remiss if I did not mention that your deception in this matter has not improved your performance evaluation.
As you know, company policy states that evaluations are given regardless of manner of discharge: resignation or termination. In this case, you resigned before I was able to terminate you. This gives me pause. Since I cannot give your evaluation to you, I give it to the world. It is not favorable. I would hope that, though you are not officially required to do so, you would not shirk your responsibilities and give me the opportunity to say I never want to see you again. Should you do this, your performance rating would dramatically increase.
I hope that you will be able to reconsider your position and come back to me in the future. If only so I can fire you.